Torre has invited intrepid adventurers to share their greatest fears, look them straight in the eye and yell “I DENY YOU, YOU BASTARD”
So here goes nothing…
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It’s almost exactly two years since I boarded my flight to Canada.
It could have been a flight to anywhere in the world, the location is insignificant.
Since that day I’ve lived in six countries and thirteen homes, road tripped across continents and sailed around them too. Flying out to Canada was just the cheapest option when I booked my flight.
Buckling myself into my seat, tears ran down my checks. An overwhelming sense of panic swept through my body.
Was I making a huge mistake?
I’d left behind my job, the job I’d busted my butt to secure. The job that I’d started the day after I’d finished University and given up the last summer of my youth for.
Was I really now leaving that behind for a future unknown?
When the plane took off I bawled like a child. Not just because I’m terrified of flying, but because throughout my whole life I’ve been afraid of anything unfamiliar.
My teens brought with them a wave of crippling panic attacks. I began to retreat into myself, as though inside my head was the only place that I would be safe. I avoided large crowds, small spaces, train journeys and the front seat of cars.
Why? I’ve no idea.
Fear stole a few years of my life away and I’ll never get them back.
An hour into the flight and my blood shot eyes and reddened cheeks were all that remained of my panic. The flight attendant had tried her best to calm my nerves and offered me enough hot beverages to melt a snowman.
I knew I was going to be ok.
I’ve worked hard to overcome my fear of the unknown. Between alternative therapies and the support of those who love me I’m no longer crippled by the power of my own mind.
After all that’s essentially what fear is.
Fear // Noun // An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
An unpleasant emotion, jeepers you can say that again. But still, a controllable emotion.
It is at this point I have to share a little secret with you. My battle with anxiety was won with the assistance of a wonder drug. The like of which no doctor can prescribe.
Warning // side effects include but are not limited to // feelings of light headedness, the desire to skip work, hold hands and watch re runs of old sitcoms and last but not least, leave a job you thought you wanted and travel the world.
Torre much like you my drug of choice is love.
If you haven’t met Ben let me introduce you. He stole my heart eight years ago and lifted anxiety from my shoulders. He taught me that it’s ok to be scared but to use that fear to propel you towards your goals.
He taught me to follow my heart.
So two years ago I packed my world into a 55L backpack, said goodbye to the life I had known and followed the man who stole my heart half way across the globe.
While I managed to get myself onto that plane bound for adventures unknown my fear was still there, subdued, but coiled like a spring and ready to break free.
In the past two years I’ve beaten it into submission a number of times.
I’m strong now, but that’s because I keep taking my drug. That’s because Ben is by my side.
So what now? Why am I writing you this letter?
I’m sharing my fearful adventure with you because you’re my new drug of choice.
Don’t worry I’m not in love with you, well maybe just a tiny bit, I’m in love with your fire and your passion, your drive and your desire to achieve.
Since leaving my job, a job that I loved, I’ve had very little in the way of responsibility. I’ve had nothing to call my own, no in-tray on my desk and no career success under my belt.
5 months ago that all changed.
5 months ago I started this blog. I say I, once again I mean we. We started this blog but I started to write. I started to channel my energy into something that is mine. That I am doing for myself, because it’s something I want, something I need.
While the past two years have provided me with more adventures than you can shake a stick at, this is the one that scares me the most.
I’m scared Torre and love can’t help me this time.
I have to stand up and take some hits in the ring. I have to show that I’ve got the drive and the verve to stand in a sea of others reaching for the same goal.
I want to be a writer, and the thought that I might fail scares me more than anything.